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Jail Bait: chapter 1 by *RoxySavage:iconRoxySavage:



Drip...drip....drip....drip....every drip was like a hammer to the back of my delicate teenage head. My eyes opened. You'd think after living on the streets for a year, you'd be used to annoying persistent noises, but it still bothered me. It was easier for me to sleep in an alley with occasionally passing cars and other noises of the city than to break into an abandoned house and hear the same quiet repetitive noise all night. I sighed and slung my shabby backpack over my shoulder as I crawled out of the broken basement window I had entered from.
I noticed the frigid February night air as I sheltered my hands in the front pocket of my baggy black hoodie. I considered the alley to my right but continued taking the sidewalk in long strides,  I didn't need to settle down tonight. My pounding headache told me that. Trying to sleep would be pointless. Every previous headache like this had  the same results. Endless nights wandering the streets of wherever I happened to be at the time.
I couldn't afford to stay in one place for more than a few weeks. I was too obvious. A young teen should be in school during the weekdays, everyone knows that, and I couldn't pass for over 16 if I tried. But that wasn't even the most obvious thing. My face was one quite hard to forget. Rounded, pale, astonishing blue eyes, and my hair. Short boyish black spikes in back, and a waterfall of bloodred hair in front, cheek length on the left, shoulder length at the right. I was the picture perfect trouble maker.
I'm sure most people would think it incredibly stupid to draw so much attention to myself, being a runaway. But that's my tactic. I was the simplest girl in the world back home. Long brown hair, normal attire, head down, small steps. No one looked at me twice. I was too afraid to have a personality. And then I broke away.
I ran for the first time in my life. I was terrified, but only of getting sent back. Finally I could be what I wanted to be. Myself, but with flaws I hadn't been thinking about. I wasn't thinking about how I would get the hairdye to make me unrecognisable. I wasn't thinking about how I would house myself...how I would feed myself. I became a theif. It was worth it for sure, but it didn't keep me from feeling guilty. I showered in public gyms when I could get in, and twice in a school locker room.
My feet ached, it had been a long day. I decided to at least rest somewhere, there was no way I would make it through the next day if I didn't stop soon. I continued on until I came to the nearest alley when I noticed something. There were footsteps behind me. Sure people walk the streets of the city all the time, but it was one of those instances where an ordinary noise turned spooky, those footsteps had been following me for much longer than I would have liked. I turned into the alley and peered over my shoulder. My heart stuttered, a tall figure was just a few paces behind me. I could smell the sweet smoky scent of cherry cigar as my pace quickened. So did his. I stopped, shaking, I turned.
"Can I help you mister?" I asked loudly, throwing my chin up in attempt to look tough. The man stepped closer and his face was thrown into relief, he was a little heavy set, with short, curly black hair, a sort of goatee and mustache, and cold dark chocolate eyes.
"I'm sure you could..." he said, grinning. The end of his cigar glowed orange.
"Not in the way you'd like," I mumbled, my breathing becoming uneven as my heart sped up with nerves.
He chuckled darkly and put his arm around my shoulder, caressing my cheek with his free thumb, "so you think I'm a creeper, huh?"
I coughed as the smoke from the cigar in his hand burned my airways, "kinda!"
"And are you scared, little girl?" He stepped in front of me, putting the cigar back in his mouth and pulling my face closer to his.
I backed up against a wall, "N-no?" But I was...I was terrified. I'd never come this close to getting hurt before...he was already this close. A million thoughts ran through my head, I should have run, why'd I stop, what was he going to do? He took the cigar from his mouth and leaned down. I couldn't help it. Instinct took over and my fist swung out of my pocket, connecting hard with his mouth. He grunted, staggering backward, his hand flying up to hold his bleeding lips.
"You just made...a serious mistake,"
©2009 *RoxySavage
:iconroxysavage:

Author's Comments

The title isnt going to stay what it is, it was the best i could come up with for now tho. Want more? here's the next chapter
chapter 2------> [link]

Comments


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:iconpsycho654:
Wow, first chapter and it's already getting intense. I can't wait to read more, darling! :)

--
~xxxrainbow-clubxxx
*Writers-Club
Your eyes in the glass wear your face as a mask...(Cellar Door by Escape the Fate.)
♫ ☯
:pride:
:iconroxysavage:
teeheehee, really?! oh garsh! im half way through chapter two now...
:iconrithumdragon:
It's good. :) You're right, it's not NORMALLY the type of story I go for, but I wouldn't reject it outright. ;) It's looking great so far.

--
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart. Check out my grades-they're As, for a start. What I lack in looks, well I make up in heart, and well guys, that's totally awesome! This year I plan to study a lot-that would be cool if you were actually hot!
:iconpsycho654:
Sweet. :D

--
~xxxrainbow-clubxxx
*Writers-Club
Your eyes in the glass wear your face as a mask...(Cellar Door by Escape the Fate.)
♫ ☯
:pride:
:iconroxysavage:
thanks...i promise i'll try to get some gay action in there somewhere to make it more your style, k?
:iconpyroziggy:
nice work
great start
can't wait to read da rest :D

--
We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
:iconroxysavage:
thanks a bunch, the second chapter is in the artists comments :)
:icontheforsaken4:
The opening wasn't really gripping me, but by the end of it, you managed to pull me in. I will say that because of the comma usage in the final quote, it seemed to end abruptly as if you wanted to say more instead of ending it. Also, I don't feel like I have a good grip on the character yet, because it felt like you spent more time on her physical appearance than her actual thoughts and personality. I'm not sure as to why she ran away exactly. I mean, you gave a reason in this chapter, [I could be what I wanted to be], but I felt it was a bit too basic, so I hope you expand on that more in further chapters. Granted, you only gave yourself so much space to work with in this chapter [going by what's posted], so I can understand that some of these things are just basic introductions to get the story rolling. Still, fleshing out a few more things in chapter 1 and beyond can make a world of difference in how much more enticing a story can be for the reader.

As far as structure goes, you did have a few mistakes that you might want to check out and/or change.

-"persistant" should be "persistent"

-"occassionally" should be "occasionally"

-"backback" should be "backpack", I suppose.

-"had the" has an extra space in it.

-16, you need to write it out. Sixteen.

-"Short[,] boyish[,] black spikes in back..." add in the commas.

-"[...]in back, a waterfall of blood red hair in front..." remove the 'and' and 'blood red' is two words.

-"cheek length on the left, [and] shoulder length at the right" add in the 'and'.

-"trouble maker" is one word.

-"Long brown hair, normal attire, head down, [and] small steps" add in the 'and'.

-"[...] would think it [was] incredibly stupid" add in 'was'.

-"Finally[,] I could be..." add in the comma.

-"hairdye" is two words.

-switch the 'i' and 'e' in "theif".

-"My feet ached[;]" semicolon instead of a comma. You're trying to combine two independent clauses.

-"I decided to at least rest somewhere[.] There..." Same deal, but a period works better here.

-"I continued /on/ until" The word "on" is unnecessary in the sentence.

-"nearest alley /when/ I noticed something" I personally think "where" works better in this sentence considering the lead in.

-"ordinary noise turned spooky[.] Those..." Remove the comma and replace it with a period.

-"My heart stuttered[;] a tall" Semicolon or period instead of comma.

-"stopped, shaking, [and] I turned" add in 'and'.

-"The man stepped closer and his face was thrown into relief[.] He was a little heavy set with short, curly[,] black hair, a sort of goatee[,] and cold[,] dark chocolate eyes." remove the comma after "relief" and replace it with a period. The rest of the sentence had comma errors.

-"I'm sure you could...[,]" add in the comma.

-"He stepped in front of me, put the cigar back in his mouth[,] and pulled my face closer to his." - tense confusion and comma usage.

-"A million thoughts ran through my head[.] I should have run[!] Why'd I stop[?] What was he going to do? He took the cigar from his mouth and leaned down. I couldn't help it. Instinct took over[,] my fist swung out of my pocket [and] connected hard with his mouth. He grunted, staggered backward, [and] his hand flew up to hold his bleeding lips." A variety of comma splices, comma and conjunction errors, and tense mishaps.

- As a general comment, while fragments may be used in fictional writing, I'd suggest fleshing out a few of them.

Just to note, I wasn't focused on these errors when I started reading, but I figured I'd point them out to help you catch them in the future. Hopefully this long, long post was useful to you in some form!
:iconyoshi747:
I could feel the intensity in the story, really good. But you did makes some grammatical errors that should get fixed.

--
Oppurtunity is not handed to you, you must go out and reach it!!!
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